1、Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.

2、新老师

3、That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

4、“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”

5、妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。

6、"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles."When I say,'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond,'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

7、有个人开车行驶在上班的路上，一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车，当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来，他就拼命的挣扎着，最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿，他平静了，别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎，他说：“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了，当我醒过来，我发现我躺在了路边，前面是一个巨大的广告牌上面闪烁着‘壳牌’，但是有个人挡住了那个“S”。”

8、约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做.”

9、中文：

10、服务员，汤里有只苍蝇!

11、一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"

12、A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

13、我们大学的校报开办了一个每周一问的专栏。上周的问题是：“你最想要什么人的签名?为什么?”和预计的一样，大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是，最优秀的答案来自一个一年级新生，他说：“在我毕业证上签字的那个人。”

14、t customer: "I'll have tea."

15、 Difference

16、 The Looney Bin Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

17、第二个顾客：我也是茶——杯子要干净的!

18、Johnson:"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

19、律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”

20、 I'm Trying to Stop It

21、Many years after receiving my graduate degree,I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator,someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

22、Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!

23、I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

24、"No,sir,but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other ,so I am trying to stop it."

25、看起来象是在仰泳，先生……

26、老师：为什么这么说?

27、老农约翰逊就要死了.他的家人都站在床边.他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后,我想你嫁给农夫琼斯.”

28、Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

29、获取研究生学位多年以后,我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员.一天,电梯里很拥挤,有人抱怨电梯效率太低.我说自我在那里当学生起,20年来电梯一直没有换过.

30、一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。

31、服务员，汤里有只苍蝇!

32、John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.

33、d customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"

34、第一个顾客：我要茶

35、A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.

36、The New Teacher

37、Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!

38、服务员，这只苍蝇在我汤里干什么?

39、病人：我认为我是一只鸡.

40、 The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"

41、疯人院

42、 One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

43、Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?

44、区 别

45、aiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!

46、汤姆：我们老师,爸爸.

47、“克拉克先生,有个坏消息,你只有六个月可活了.”医生告诉他的病人.

48、The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.

49、典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情，因为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。 因此在一个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？” 乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！”

50、"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

51、Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.

52、I think that I'm a chicken

53、 Mr.Clark,I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his

54、病人惊呆了.“六个月我不可能付清医疗费.”

55、服务员，你的领带在我的汤里了。

56、老师：上帝住哪儿?

57、最后当电梯门打开时,我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下,回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑.“你会拿到学位的,亲爱的,”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德.”

58、我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史,他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文.他把那个学生叫到了办公室.“这不是你写的,”他说,“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来.”

59、服务员，来杯咖啡，不加奶油。

60、Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

61、 Plagiarism

62、 律师、宝马和胳膊》

63、“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”

64、Father:Well,Tom,I asked to your teacher today,and now I want to ask you a question.Who is the laziest person in your class?

65、Teacher: Where does God live?

66、I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....

67、Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.

68、Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

69、Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...

70、别让别人看见，先生，要不别人都要。

71、服务员：茶或咖啡?先生。

72、老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理.现在,谁给我举个例子?

73、Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."

74、服务员，我汤里有只苍蝇!

75、TWO：Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now,can anyone give me a good example?

76、“对不起,夫人,为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元.”

77、一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另一个说：“你怎么知道？”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说！”

78、美 德

79、我朋友笑了,他把论文拿给他看.用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文.”

80、Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

81、A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him."Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

82、Psychiatrist:What's your problem?

83、George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.

84、父亲：哎,汤姆,今天我跟你们老师谈过,现在我想问你个问题.你们班上谁最懒?

85、鱼网

86、我知道，先生，我们没有另收钱。

87、"I can't possibly pay you in that time."

88、是的，先生，今天苍蝇放假。

89、A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office."This isn't your work." he said."Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

90、 a kiss At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech." The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'"

91、"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

92、“Yes ,but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”

93、不是，先生，那是蟑螂，苍蝇在你牛排里。

94、学生：我想他应该住我家浴室。

95、patient."You only have six months to live."

96、Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

97、别担心，先生，面包里的蜘蛛会干掉它。

98、约翰：嗯,在夏天天都长,在冬天天都短.

99、Waiter, your tie is in my soup!

100、George comes from school on the first of September.

101、老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？ 学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。

102、“孩子,你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了吗?”

103、(Waiter exits, returns)

104、精神病医师：你哪里不舒服?

105、A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

106、“是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外四个病人吓跑了.”

107、服务员：别担心，先生，不是很烫!

108、服务员，汤里有只死苍蝇!

109、九个月吧

110、病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始.

111、"Why use my elbow and foot?"

112、顾客：小心，你的大拇指在我汤里了!

113、1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

114、“好吧,”医生说,“那就九个月吧.”

115、 The mean man's party

116、“你的双手得拿礼物啊.天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答.

117、The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."

118、对不起，先生，我弄走那三个时忘了这个。

119、Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

120、没关系，先生，它不缩水。

121、My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was:"Also see article on communism."

122、“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来,”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说.“我说‘下午好’,本科生们回答说‘下午好’.研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上.”

123、元你想要什么——活的?

124、"Boy,why have you got cotton-wool in your ear?Is it infected?"

125、一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了.他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃.门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开.”

126、Tom:Our teacher,father.

127、Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!

128、是的，先生，是开水杀死了它们。

129、“Twenty d ollars!Why ,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

130、Teacher: Why do you say that?

131、 a great man Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today? Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.

132、译文：

133、"Okay," the doctor said,"let's make it nine months."

134、Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

135、Student: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, "God, are you still in there?"

136、 Who Is the Laziest?

137、Wife:"But why?"

138、旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。

139、一个服务员给顾客拿来了牛排，大拇指在牛肉上。

140、 buying your ticket Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

141、 Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."

142、Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

143、一名伟人

144、Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

145、拳击和赛跑

146、“你没有证据.”那学生气急败坏地说.

147、Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?

148、“I'm sorry ,Madam ,but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”